Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Turquoise Chain Link Belts Please Read This Novel Opening?

Please read this novel opening? - turquoise chain link belts

Most people think it was as risky as the rumors that spread recently in New York. The silent darkness was just beginning to give such a glowing orange and yellow of the sun taken filthy huts in the cabin.

I sat on the side of a green hill a few feet of chain linked fence separates the inhabitants of me. I see a security camera that was sitting on the fence, the guards in the search box below.

The turquoise began to penetrate into the amber sky, a distant whistle penetrates to the cheerful song of birds in the morning and caught my eye from the camera to the noise source to achieve. At the foot of the hill, about a hundred yards to my left, a large cargo truck was approved in the door. There was plenty of food and water, I imagined. Finally, clothing and medicine.

Fear that should the noise of the trucks to wake sleeping people and encourage them to move from their living rooms - and see me sitting therenot so close to the border, I rushed to position at least looked at a dozen yards up the hill.


What do you prefer?
What do you want?
Do you catch your interest?
Suggestions?

1 comments:

Dixon Kinqade said...

Well done!

Axis suggestions:

Posted always empty, "a". In such cases, eliminate, one way or another.

Example:
To arouse fear of the truck noise, the sleeping man ...

Proof:
Fearing that the noise of the trucks, which could raise up ...

Avoid using the word given twice in a sentence, especially close to each other.

Example: "the"
Fearing that the noise of the trucks could awaken the sleeping ...

Proof:
The fear of the noise of trucks that could awaken the sleeping ....

Just one example of how this can be a little different:

--------------------------
I was concerned about the noise from the car of the people that sleep would awaken and encourage them to leave their habitat. I do not want to catch me sitting there, so close to the border, I would rush to replace a dozen yards up the hill and observe further.
-------------------

Hope this helps and good luck in your efforts!

Please read and rate my story. I am always looking for feedback.
http://www.worthyofpublishing.com/chapte ...

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